I can no longer bear with the stench of the rotten
conversation on the table. So I walk right out the bar without saying a word. I
hear a couple of voices calling me out. But if I stay any longer I know I’d
hate them all, irrecoverably, for the rest of my life. I hate hating anyone. So
I leave.
My phone keeps vibrating. I hate it when it vibrates. So I
just ignore it. Three glasses of neat scotch washed down my throat and nobody can
tell. That’s me. I don’t allow myself to get drunk. But drinking makes me
nervous. See for most people drinking blurs the line between white and black
and everything kinda blurs. For me everything turns black or white. There is no
mid way. That really makes me nervous. When you are unable to bull-shit
yourself it gets very depressing. That’s a fact. All truths are depressing. All
lies- exhilarating.
I am trying hard to breath and man it is difficult. Panic
stage-alpha. So I bump a cigarette. I am not a “regular” smoker but I just can’t
breathe right now. So I light one and take-in a nice long puff. You really have
to take in the first time, then hang in there for a second or two while you
sort-of mull over the smoke before letting it go. It’s basically meditation.
Breathe-in a- 1-and- a-2 Breathe-out.
I wish it was cold. Like really really cold. And my fingers
were numb. I like my fingers numb and sore. when I cannot feel them. I like
pinching them hard then, and see the white turn a little red. Just a little.
It’s like when you pinch yourself to know if everything is real. But nothing
hurts so this isn’t real. ‘This reality is just pretend?’I like to believe it is pretend.
‘I thought you didn’t smoke.’
I turned around
startled and there he is, with his nonchalant manners, long fingers and killer
smile. Well the smile is more kind of crooked. I bet he has a nice folded
handkerchief in his pocket. He always has one. I mean who keeps them these
days? But he smiles a lot. Like a lot. I
ignore him.
‘Really? we are
ignoring now?’
I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t. I am dying to talk to
him.
‘You really can hold a drink, can’t you?’
I get angry. I get angry over everything and nothing. Really
that anger department is all screwed up. I have often thought of segregating
the things that should make me angry and the things that should not. For
reference, in the future, because I always mix them up.
‘What? You want me to get all tipsy and be all over you just
because I am drunk?’
I turn away sharply. (Hah!). He walks up to me slowly. And
smiles. Did I tell you he smiles a lot? So there he is smiling. ‘Yeah you
wish!’
This should make me even more furious because he ruined my
perfectly-snarky come-back with a lame smile and a lame line. But I? I am smiling
now.
‘So… on the run
again?’
‘Noooo I am not. I am blending right in. In fact so much so
I might be incognito. I laugh when everyone laughs, I compliment, I smile and
everything. I do every shit. I am not running away. I am right there, in there,
participating at all levels. I even talked to my supy for a promotion. I am
even investing in the dammed stock market! In fact before you escorted your
beastly ass here, I was in there with them, having a lively conversation.’
‘So why did ya leave?’
‘Just needed a smoke.’
‘There is smoke room in every bar here’
‘Also some fresh air.’
‘Hmm… Did you draw something lately?’
Silence.
‘I did really like that idea through. The one to draw the
city skyline with ashes from your cigarette.’
Silence.
‘Hey do you remember your ‘above and this side down’ which
you drew on your commerce exam sheet?’
We burst into child-like chortles.
‘That was ages ago!! How do you even know? You weren’t even
there!’
And that snobbish smile of his.
‘I am now and you madam,
dream about it every single night’.
‘Yeah the teacher really had no sense of humor. She gave me
F+. What does that even mean?’
‘Really? Haha! You dream about the skyline too every night.’
He said softly.
Silence.
‘Watch your fingers, the cigarette is dying.’
I looked down; it was really just the bud left. I turned
back to him. But he was fading into millions of tiny red sparks. No fumes.
